All this semester and a large chunk of last semester I've been blaming myself for my lack of interest and my inability to get out of bed. I kept telling myself "All right damn it. You're going to stop this. You're going to go to class and that's that." Though when the alarm went off in the morning I couldn't bring myself to leave the comfort of my bedroom and so I didn't go. And this happened over and over and over and I felt guilty. I still do. I can't count how many times I asked myself... "What the fuck is your problem?" I can't count the times I told myself I was going to stop it. I was going to just be strong suck it up and do what I had to do. But I can't. It didn't used to be this bad. It just snuck up on me I guess. One day I was dealing with the situation and then next thing I know I'm incapable of getting out of bed. I don't know how or when it got so bad but I feel like I've spent a long time pretending to all those at work and school that things are great and I suppose what I'm saying now is that it isn't. I don't have any real reasons I suppose but it doesn't work that way. I don't need a real reason. Lack of serotonin is a reason in itself for my behavior and while I feel guilty about it I just couldn't help it. I still can't. Sometimes it has felt like I'm watching myself fuck everything up but I can't do anything about it. Sometimes I have these dreams where I'm trying to scream for help but no sound comes out. I just succeed in waking myself by talking in my sleep from trying so hard to be heard in the dream. My life has been kind of like that. It's like no one noticed and that anyone who did notice lacked the finesse to address the problem without making me feel like I had to defend myself. No one suggested I get help. But I blame myself for that too. I did a lot of pretending. I used to fancy myself a poet when I was younger. I wrote deep dark poems and these days I laugh at the audacity that 16 year old me was actually that depressed but perhaps I was. I used to write about how I was a different person on the outside than I was inside and I think that's still true. On the inside I was lost and on the outside I was the picture of happiness. I didn't want anyone to know because I didn't even want myself to know but something has to change and I'm going to change it.

Ain't it something to know you're lost?

I've always wanted to make stuffed animals. I never really got around to trying it for whatever reason until a couple days ago. It started when I went to get my hair cut. Well, actually, it started because my dad insisted that I go. I had mentioned wanting to go but when I got back from class I was tired and just took a nap instead. When I woke up, my dad basically forced me to go. My mom was conned into going as well. So I went and got my hair cut. Dad got his cut as well. I get my haircut at VIP which is near A. C. Moore. I, of course, insisted on going to A. C. Moore since I can never resist passing an arts and crafts store. They were having a sale. A big sale. So, I end up buying two large K'nex sets for 20 bucks (buy one get one free) and a book on making softies. I was thrilled with my purchases and the next day when I got off of work I went and bought some fabric and sewing essentials. I made my first softie. He's George the Elephant King. George was sewn entirely by hand which is saying a lot because I can't hand sew much. I wanted to practice though. I think I did pretty well for my first time. After George, I began obsessivly searching the internet for the perfect owl softie. I actually had to go to work in between making these two softies and while I was at work I convinced myself to buy a Singer Pixie sewing machine. My mom has a sewing machine but it's large and takes up a lot of space and we have to store it away when we're not using it. It can be a bit of a hassel. So I bought the miniature sewing machine for it's conveniece. It's wonderful.

After finishing my owl softie this morning, I decided to try my hand at making my own owl softie. I've just begun making it so it isn't very far along but this is what I have so far. There is still a ways to go but I'm excited. And there's a photo of my mini sewing machine beside my mini laptop just for kicks.

Anyway, this is my latest obession. It's something I've always wanted to try and I can see myself doing this for a long time. Perhaps when I get really good at it I'll sell them. Etsy here I come.